11 years. 4,015 days. 96,360 hours.
The same multi-colored, multi-patterned, overly worn sweater has had a home in my closet for precisely 96,360 hours (and counting).
Interestingly enough, while it has lived with me, I have not lived in it. The reason? Because it doesn’t fit me anymore. In fact, embarrassingly enough, it hasn’t fit me for years now.
What was once a new, innovative item in my closet slowly turned into a dated piece. As time passed, I evolved. Transformed. Transfigured into someone with new needs and new methods to address those needs. Holding onto something due to its previous value doesn’t always equate to its present validity.
Discipleship Should Be Tailored
Discipleship, much like that sweater, if left without a true audit, remains the garment that we keep simply because we’ve always worn it. Rather than updating the “wardrobe” because both time and people require it, we keep an attachment to the old.
We dress discipleship up in one-size-fits-all garments with the expectation that Saul’s clothing is the most astute attire for everyone’s daily battles (see 1 Samuel 17:38–39).
What if, however, our current models and methods of moving aren’t accurate to the people we serve? What if the way of Jesus was more of a journey of personal, bespoke tailoring that customized our approach based on the person rather than the product?
When we study Jesus and the methods he used for discipleship, we notice something fascinating: Matthew was met with a dinner invitation. Peter was met through fishing. Nathanael was met through a private experience made public. Mary Magdalene was met through deliverance. Paul was met through radical transformation. Nicodemus was met through candlelight conversations.
Jesus used a discipleship method that didn’t confine him to a system, but freed him to step into relationships uniquely.
I call this the four L’s: Learn, Love, Lead, and Legacy.
The First Step: LEARN
Discipleship is a journey that cannot be confined to one specific timeline. An adventure that isn’t linear requires patience, detail, and commitment. With clothing, this requires a look at fabric, silhouettes, the history of wear, body types, and more. With people, we see this take shape in the conversation between Jesus and the Samaritan woman in John 4.
The Woman at the Well
Surrounded by no one, just at a well, Jesus engages in conversation with a woman who has a difficult story. In his knowledge of her, he accurately meets with her. Jesus’ angle of conversation begins with a discussion on water, first identifying her thirst. As the conversation continues, he identifies the object of her unsatisfied thirst:
“I don’t have a husband,” the woman replies. And Jesus says, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” (John 4:17–18). The woman is so stunned by his proclamation that she believes him to be a prophet. What she was also communicating here was, “How did you know that?!”
Know Your Audience
To learn is to have a basis for the method in which we disciple. We meet people properly when we have a better understanding of them as a whole.
Learning is the pivotal first step because to learn is to accurately study. In order to accurately disciple, we must be childlike students. As a leader, in all the rooms you engage in, you must be the biggest student in the room. The one who asks questions and seeks to understand. The one who doesn’t have all the answers, but seeks to journey alongside. The one who can freely admit, “I don’t know.”
We meet people properly when we have a better understanding of them as a whole.
Learning requires that we make fewer statements, but be incessantly curious.
Are you learning about your audience as a whole? Not just their spiritual well-being, but their physical, emotional, and mental health, their financial goals, their niche hobbies, their relationship status, and the little moments that are mundane? What are their love languages? What brings them joy? What about their home life? What about their racial and ethnic background and the plights that come with being in their skin? If you lead a group that has any person of color, have you taken time to learn about their cultural history?
The Second Step: LOVE
Love follows Learn because true, Christlike love chooses to love despite the knowledge it has.
Knowledge challenges us to both widen and deepen our love for others. Jesus models this beautifully in the relationship he has with us; in light of knowing us fully, he still chooses us. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that without love, we gain nothing. Verses 4–7 outline love in action:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
What Love Requires
Paul reminds us that love is often quick to listen and slow to speak. That love is long-suffering. That love will require us as leaders to constantly submit our hearts to God, letting him continuously mold us into his image. This also tells us that love always pursues even when the pursuit isn’t mutual. Love does not hold a person as a prisoner of their past. Love chooses to see them rightly.
Love does not hold a person as a prisoner of their past. Love chooses to see them rightly.
We tailor our love according to what the person in front of us needs. If you’ve learned that your audience has consistently faced abandonment, love requires that you be a consistent presence. Love means showing interest in what others care about—whether that is fashion, sports, or books. Love creates an environment that allows them to freely share without being off “topic.”
Love chooses to listen in order to speak the language of the person on the other side. And when we become more fluent, we love better.
The Third Step: LEAD
Lead follows both Learn and Love because it is out of the first two that leading takes on the shape that I believe it was always meant to bear. It is less about being in charge, and more about being of service.
Leadership in the kingdom of God looks less like commanding attention and is more about being in constant submission to the one who leads every part of our lives: Jesus. In Luke 9:23–24, Jesus tells us:
“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.’”
Jesus brilliantly lets his disciples know that leadership will require a few pivotal things. One, self-denial. To deny yourself in the context of leadership means to not lead with ego, fear, comfort, or pride leading the way. As leaders, it’s easy to want to go or even be first. And yet this posture of self-denial moves us to the back of the line. It isn’t a hatred of self; it’s a sacrificial love of others.
To take up our cross in the context of leadership requires us to choose faithfulness over convenience. To show up when you’d rather stay at home. To choose integrity over dishonesty. To grow in Christ-like strength by choosing weakness.
It’s one thing to believe in Jesus. It’s another thing to follow Jesus. Following requires both reflecting and repeating Jesus both in word and deed. But even as leaders choose the back of the line, leaders also choose to go first. They’re vulnerable first. They’re curious first. They listen first. They’re the first ones who are eager to carry the mats of others towards Jesus.
To take up your cross in the context of leadership requires us to choose faithfulness over convenience.
The Fourth Step: LEGACY
The final of the four L’s is one that lives beyond ourselves. Legacy is the lasting mark of proper discipleship and isn’t based on how you perceive yourself, but how those you’ve discipled have perceived you. In other words, what does the community say about your impact in the neighborhood? What are you known for? If you were to ask three to five people in your community about you, would they know who you were? Most importantly, would you be more known for who you’re for or what you’re against? Galatians 5:22–23 tells what kind of fruit we should be known for:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
The fragrance of our lives should be a direct reflection of the fruit of the Spirit. And the metric against which we compare our discipleship isn’t the quantity of those impacted, but the quality that’s reflected in the legacy we leave.
Presence Over Performance
Imagine if we viewed discipleship as artisans, meticulous about tailoring our approach to the person in front of us. If the goal was bigger than forming circles—if it was shaping worlds. If classrooms looked more like dining room tables where we broke bread, laughed loudly, listened intently, and lived boldly.
Bespoke discipleship champions depth over data and presence over performance. And hear me when I say, it will stretch you in ways that feel deeply uncomfortable. It will be messy. You won’t always get it right. But the beauty of this type of discipleship is that it embraces our humanness, building a pathway for us to walk out a faith of our own.
Going back to where we started, that sweater still sits in my closet. When I needed it the most, it served a beautiful purpose. And that sweater is a reminder of who I was, where I was, and how far I’ve come. Perhaps that’s discipleship in a nutshell—a journey of becoming, evolving, and being conformed to the image of Jesus.
