Cultivate

I’d now had several weeks of painfully awkward silence in my small group.  

I was in my late thirties, leading a group of twenty-something adults through a study on Genesis. They showed up each week seemingly excited about the content. Yet, when it came time for discussion, everyone clammed up.

I grew increasingly frustrated. Eventually, I realized that I was leading the small group that I wanted to attend, not the small group that they wanted and needed. I wanted deep conversation and in-depth cerebral study of Scripture, and they . . . well they just wanted community. These young adults wanted bite-sized teaching, and I was trying to force-feed them a 20 oz steak.  

So, I pivoted. 

Healthy Change 

I started distributing leadership responsibilities, increased our social gatherings to every few weeks, and began a weekly “Jericho Walk.” This meant walking laps around the large church parking lot for about an hour after the official group time wrapped up.  

There was no structure to the walking conversations, just physical exercise and time to connect. And wondrously, people who sat stone silent the hour before, suddenly came alive. 

Here is the valuable lesson I learned about group leadership from my two years with these great folks: My deep insight or well thought out lessons meant very little if I didn’t see and respond to the emotional needs of the people I was leading.  

I needed to lead with more Emotional Intelligence—and perhaps you do too.  

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

First introduced in the 1990’s, the concept of Emotional Intelligence (often known by the abbreviation EQ, mirroring its intellectual counterpart IQ) highlights the importance of emotional awareness and attunement. Building on the work of psychologists before him, Daniel Goleman explored the idea that intelligence is more than just math skills or reading competency.¹ 

Just as people are gifted with musical skill, visual-spatial awareness, and body control (such as with dancers or athletes), they can also have skill with emotions. Individuals who have a high EQ essentially possess two key emotional skills.  

First, they are attuned to their own emotions and able to regulate them well.  

Second, they are attuned to the emotions of others and able to respond to them well.  

The order of these two components is key because it is quite hard to read and respond well to others if someone has not first learned to read and manage themself. The familiar words of the Psalmist remind us of the importance of knowing our own heart (Psalm 139:23). 

Becoming an Emotionally Intelligent Group Leader 

So, what would it look like for you to become a more emotionally intelligent leader? Obviously, there isn’t time to fully unpack this concept here, so helpful resources are provided at the end if you want more to explore. But here are some practical examples of things that show up in small group settings and ways you may respond with a higher EQ. 

1. Invest in Community

The most foundational aspect of group leadership is the ability to foster community. The temptation is to assume that people who gather together each week will intrinsically build community (they will not). Simply scheduling a once-a-quarter meal or outing won’t do the trick either.

Community Building Through Jericho Walks

I mentioned the “Jericho walk” concept above, and I want to break down why I think this was helpful as we built community. 

• It was predictable. We walked and talked every week. People need to know there will always be a space for them to connect without having to ask.  
  
• It had easy access. There was no expense or special skill required, and it didn’t take a lot for people to come because they already were there for group. Sometimes the sheer act of leaving home for another thing is a barrier. Community building incorporated into standing group time is a great way to kill two birds with one stone, whether it is a meal, a walk, or a group game. The activity isn’t as important as ensuring easy participation. 
  
• It wasn’t about me. Remember, as an emotionally intelligent leader, group time isn’t really about your needs or wants. The goal is for you to engage with members of your group. Draw in the outsider, ask questions, have thick skin for that abrasive personality, and push through social awkwardness. These encounters help a new person feel connected and a regular member feel seen. This is your chance to deepen connections in your group and let them know you are accessible to them. 

2. Prioritize Group Discussion

A second challenge in emotionally intelligent group leadership is managing group discussion. Sometimes the issue is a total lack of response (revisit my opening story for a painful reminder) but sometimes the issue is an over-sharer who dominates discussion. Both extremes can cause insecurity about your ability to lead and can also create discomfort in the group.  

Responding to Silence

A high EQ response to silence is to remember it isn’t personal. Trust that your personal study and time with the Lord have led you to the questions and discussion before you. You might consider sending questions out in advance or asking certain people before group if they would be comfortable leading the response for a particular question. Sometimes people like to contribute, but the feeling of being “on the spot” can trigger anxiety. Tap into participants’ genuine desire to participate in ways that are conscious of their fears. Sometimes it’s even the sound of silence that makes everything feel awkward. Consider playing music quietly in the background to alleviate this discomfort.

Addressing Oversharing

The flip side to silence is oversharing. We’ve all been in groups where someone goes off on a tangent, shares WAY too much, or monopolizes discussion time. While this may be a welcome distraction from the awkward silence, this too needs an emotionally intelligent response.

First, you need to recognize why that person is oversharing. This behavior is often borne out of a desire to be seen and heard. You’d be surprised what some focused care and attention outside of group can do to alleviate some of the oversharing occurring inside the group (2 Timothy 2:24–25). This is where the community building time mentioned above can come in handy. If you find you do need to interject to trim their sharing or redirect, they are more likely to have a positive response if you have already shown them by your actions and presence that you care. In your patient response you are also modeling to your group what it looks like to bear with one another (Colossians 3:12–13).

3. Be Willing to Be Wrong

Another temptation might be to take the posture of a mentor-leader who “has figured it out.” This may or may not be true, but without a healthy dose of humility any skill you have will eventually unravel. Good, emotionally intelligent leadership involves a willingness to get it wrong and an awareness that your group has as much (if not more) to teach you than you have to teach them. In fact, this is where emotional intelligence mirrors the fruits of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23).

Take Feedback

Knowing your insecurities and working to regulate emotional reactions around these will help you step into experiences where your group may mentor you. When there are moments of friction, disagreement, or even resistance to the direction you are going, emotionally intelligent leadership involves taking a step back and reframing this resistance as information (James 1:19). This feedback is your group’s way of telling you that you either aren’t regulating your own emotions well, or you aren’t reading and responding to theirs well. Don’t take it personally, learn and adapt.

Resources to Develop Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence, while sometimes overlooked, can be an incredibly helpful tool in your ability to love and lead well.  

But perhaps you find all of this a bit new and overwhelming? If so, there are some resources below to help you assess your EQ and learn a bit more about how to grow in these skills.  

If you feel you already have high EQ, begin thinking about how you might help others grow in this way. Regardless of where you are on your journey to emotional health and growth, embrace this process and look for ways to integrate it into your personal life and leadership.  

Article by Emily Germain.

More Resources to Explore:

Brown, Brené. Atlas of the Heart. New York: Random House, 2021. 

Greater Good. “Emotional Intelligence Quiz.” The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. Accessed October 9, 2026. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/ei_quiz/take_quiz. 

Global Leadership Foundation. “Emotional Intelligence Test.” Global Leadership Foundation. 2025. Accessed October 9, 2026. https://tests.globalleadershipfoundation.com/geit/eitest.html.  

Scazzero, Peter. The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and the World. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2015. 

1. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More than IQ & Working with Emotional Intelligence, (New York: Bantam Books, 1995). ↩︎